My Long Distance Relationship

 

My boyfriend is a truck driver. He is gone most of the month and home about 1 week out of that time. So for about 3 weeks at a time, I am left to my own devices. I am the master of my time. I am the writer of my days. I go to work, come home and workout, journal, maybe paint a little, watch tv, read. During the time that I am by myself, I do whatever it is that my heart desires. For awhile it was really difficult for me. I struggled with being alone. I struggled with being by myself and the amount of time I had to fill. I was bored often, which lead to depression, which then lead to extreme growing pains. I had to get to know myself, by myself. I had to acknowledge the things I didn't love about myself and either change them if I could, or accept them if I couldn't. The amount of time I had to myself was a blessing that I didn't fully recognize until about 6 or so months ago. 

Now, I am left with a new conundrum. With all of that alone time, I have turned into a loner. I have yet to decide if this is a good thing or not. I truly enjoy my own company. I enjoy being by myself and doing what I want, when I want. I enjoy the amount of time I have to just think, and now outside interaction is exhausting to me. When my boyfriend is home, I feel a bit overwhelmed. My routines and my space have been disrupted. I can no longer just do what I want when I want. I, at the very least, have to tell him I plan to do my workout. It's not as though he will discourage me from doing it, in fact he will most likely cheer me on, it's just the fact that I have to state to someone else what it is I am doing. 

He's cooking dinner tonight. He is an excellent cook, but for whatever reason, it leaves me with great anxiety because what he is making is not something I would have chosen for myself/my body with the goals that I have set out for myself. I have recognized, that in my great self discovery journey, I have become a person who is very uncomfortable with any outside influence. If my routine is shaken up in any form, it makes me almost angry. On my life-long self discovery journey, I am hopeful that I can address this in myself. I have already recognized a clear issue, now it's just a matter of trying to rewire my brain to be less shocked with the unavoidable presence of outside influence.

I think his job in general is not something that I can deal with for much longer. I have told him this, so he is aware. He has agreed that he is not wired to be an over the road truck driver, just as I am not wired to be in a relationship with an over the road truck driver, or in a long distance relationship at all. That's something I am pretty sure of, and very little compromise will be made on my end in regards to this truth. It's a start and stop situation.  It's a relationship where I feel we are starting over every time he comes home. When he leaves I adjust and maybe I have over-adjusted to his absence during the span of our relationship. I know, I can not grow in our relationship if there is no tangible relationship to grow into. I can not keep doing this start and stop. I can not keep letting my important goals and routines slip for a week(sometimes more) in order to try and accommodate and pour all of my energy into our relationship for that short week that we do have together. This routine that we have grown accustomed too is not good for my overall well-being in the long term. I am hopeful that this season of our lives will be one we can look back on and be grateful to leave behind us, preferably sooner rather than later.