Versions of me

I just wanted to write a little bit about these ruts I seem to find myself in. I can't quite understand it, but I tend to get really really motivated and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere it seems, I am brought back down to feeling really really low. I am by no means an expert in mental health, but I have gone to therapy and was told that it's pretty probable that I have bi-polar disorder. My dad was a diagnosed bi-polar and my mom's side of the family suffers from depression. I have it coming at me from all ends basically. I was told that I could benefit from a mood stabilizing medication. I have yet to speak with my primary care doctor about setting that up for me. The idea of a drug altering my mind, even if in a beneficial way, scares me a lot. I can't even smoke pot because I don't like the feeling of losing control of my mind. 

When the idea of a drug for mood stabilization purposes was brought up in one of my therapy sessions, I asked point blank if there was a significant trial period before a person was put on a drug that worked for them. My therapist said yes. So basically, it was likely that I would have to "test" multiple drugs before finding something that worked for me. The idea of being a guinea pig day by day on different mood stabilizers, without knowing how I am going to feel from one moment to the next is absolutely terrifying to me. I am very reluctant to mention this and be prescribed anything. I would almost rather deal with my mind the way that I always have. 

I don't even really want to write anything at this moment. Last week, coming back to my blog to write something new sounded so exciting to me, this week I have to force myself to do it. Last week, I woke up for my first alarm every day of the week, this week I press snooze on every single one until when I finally do wake up I am in a mad dash to make it out of the door on time. Last week, I greeted everyone I spoke with in a manner that suggested I was genuinely interested in the things they had to say(even if I wasn't), this week I would rather not speak to anyone. When I have to, I find myself extremely irritated and outwardly so. Last week, the prospect of a blog and the possibilities of it seemed exciting and endless, this week I feel like a blog is not at all something I want to do. Putting my business on the internet for anyone to see seems absolutely ludicrous. Honestly though, despite the rut that I find myself in,  will hopefully dig myself out of, and find myself in again, I need to recognize that my happy/motivated self is looking out for my best interests more so than my sad/uninterested self. I will continue this blog for the part of me that wants and believes the best for me. I will continue to do the things that I don't really want to do in an attempt to always be the best version of me. I will continue pushing myself out of my comfort zone even if the me that I am today is begging me not to. Today, I have to tell myself that I am writing this to myself, that no one else is going to see this, and that it's simply thoughts that had to escape from my mind for me. Which is a likely probability anyways.