Trying to be Me

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 Hello all, when I started this blog, I had a goal to write at least one blog post a day. Yesterday I discovered that is not necessarily going to be an attainable goal for me. I realized that sometimes, I just don't have all that much to share. Sometimes I truly enjoy being completely by myself, even if that means not posting on a blog for a day, or not having a single meaningful conversation. Sometimes I just have to be with myself and I also discovered that's completely ok. I genuinely enjoy my own company. Sometimes I need to sit in my own company for a little bit to reset my mind and my focus. 

Last night, I read another chapter of "The Happiness Project", more like 1/2 a chapter...I don't know about you but when I get home from work in the afternoon, I feel like I am running around non-stop just to do the normal things a human needs to do. I get home and play with my doggo for awhile, do my workout, cook my dinner, clean my kitchen, shower, and finally have a chance to sit down around 8 (sometimes later). Not sure what I am doing wrong, but my time management skills may need a revisit, especially if I want to read lots of books this year. Sometimes it feels like I am struggling to squeeze in a 30 minute reading session before bed, but I am always glad when I am able to. It always seems to trigger some sort of lightbulb moment in me. That feeling alone warrants making time to read every single day/night.

The chapter that I managed to fit in was about making time for fun. I love the idea of this, and plan to do this as much as possible. It also made a point that really resonated with me. Fun for me, may not look the same as fun for someone else, and that is completely ok. One of the main themes in  "The Happiness Project" is that the author had to continue to remind herself of one of her resolutions, she was always having to remind herself to "be Gretchen". I can not thank her enough for how simple but epiphany inducing this statement is. I can't count the number of weekends I have spent doing whatever I want to, but by myself. I have felt extreme guilt and embarrassment for this every single time. I didn't feel guilty or embarrassed of spending weekends by myself doing the things I wanted to do because I didn't enjoy it though. It was more of a "well what is this person going to think about me when they ask what I did for the weekend, and I have to recount an enjoyable weekend spent alone?" So many of the things that I do, I do out of a feeling of obligation to fit into a certain social standard, not out of an actual desire to do them. 

For instance, for my Birthday, I invited over two friends who I hadn't seen in awhile due to my change in job and our schedules just generally not matching up. I also invited my sister who lives a couple of hours away in the chance that they wouldn't be able to make it. My boyfriend is a truck driver, so he just could not be here. My sister and I had a great day, we spent the morning relaxing, and the afternoon shopping, and getting coffee then pizza for dinner. My birthday is close to Christmas so I had some last minute gifts to get. It was just an overall great day. I voiced to my sister how I had hoped that my friends would forget and wouldn't come. One of these friends is a pretty heavy drinker, and I just did not want to drink that night. Drinking and partying are just no longer something I enjoy, I tend to get reaaallly sick. Like horrible. I can only drink a specific type of wine or my day after is basically gone, and I am sick of not enjoying the days I have because I feel like crap from drinking. 

Sure enough, they ended up coming. She brought with her a box of wine. Literally, 6 bottles of wine. I thanked her and joined her in having a couple of glasses. She proceeded to get slooopppy. I have a pretty nice white and black area rug in my living room and watching her hold her wine glass and move it around the way she did just about gave me a heart attack. She then proceeded to accuse my boyfriend of abuse due to my lack of interest in partaking in outings like I used to. She began screaming at me and my other friend for no longer hanging out with her in the same way that we used to. We all worked at a restaurant, so it was a pretty regular thing for us to go out and drink after work. It was not my intention to drag this person down in this post. It's just an example of an activity that I did, that turned out being awful, as I imagined it would. I did this, not out of my own desire to do it, but out of this weird need to feel as though I was doing what people thought I should be doing for my birthday. It turned out to not be fun at all, but instead extremely miserable and something that still haunts me to this day.(I mean, it was only a little over a month ago, so I guess that makes sense.)

Just like the author is constantly struggling to just be herself and accept herself as she is, I believe we all suffer from this in one way or another. She talks about all of the things that she sees other people doing that she wishes were things she enjoyed doing and I felt like it was a good idea for me to do the same exercise, I think it's a good idea for all of us to do this. Instagram blogging is one of my things. I wish that I enjoyed talking to people and being super social like these people seem to. I wish that I could get on and throw a quick story up to promote this blog and this post but honestly that feels so forced to me and it doesn't sound fun to me. It wouldn't be authentic and I think people would be able to see that. I wish I enjoyed going out and having a couple drinks after work with friends, because that's what a lot of people I know enjoy doing. I don't though, and if I were to do it, I would be counting down the minutes until I could get home to be with my dog, do some Blogilates, and video chat with my boyfriend. I am a loner, and that's just the truth. If I want to be authentically myself, I have to accept this rather than try to force myself into some set social mold. It's never fun when I try to do this, and that truth never fails. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and family. I love hearing from them and seeing them, but I am the kind of person that gets really drained from any sort of social interaction. Reading sounds much more fun to me. Writing this blog with Food Network on in the background, or some other show on Netflix is my jam. Shopping is fun for me, but I like shopping alone. Shopping with another person is not fun to me. I feel pressured the entire time, and the last thing I want to feel during one of my favorite past times is pressure. I like to paint. I like to hike. I like to write. I like to cook. I like watching TV and movies. I enjoy crafts. I like cleaning-there is nothing more rewarding than a freshly cleaned house. I like video games. I like going to new restaurants and trying different types of food I have never had before. I really enjoy pilates. I like to camp, and fish and take my dog for walks, and just think by myself. I have plenty of interests that are just for me and just mine. I need to start being okay with that, and reject the constant need to fit into the mold. I need to just be authentically me, and somehow simultaneously learn to be okay with the authentic me. It may not go over well with everyone. To some I may come off as anti social, but I'm not. I just really genuinely enjoy my own company, my dogs company, and my boyfriends company. I would prefer to continue doing the things I enjoy without the pesky voice in the back of my head telling me that I have to explain myself to someone, or even the occasional person actually asking for an explanation. I need to take on one of Gretchen's resolutions and just "be Kirstie". I'm pretty happy with me, and I'm kind of done explaining that to anyone, even to me.